Longing

I really, really miss my sister
I knew I would miss her…and I would get to see her through her daughter – which is a gift that I will never be able to comprehend – but oh God, I miss her so much that my body aches, my mind races and my nose runs.
I am not sure where her wedding rings are. During the craziness of planning for her final rest, I don’t know what we decided to to with her rings. I looked in her dresser and I did not find the rings, but I did find other things in every drawer that bonded us together more. In the top drawer were her pajama pants, each pair brought up fresh memories of her lounging around the house. The Valentine’s Day PJ pants that we bought at Target the last time she had a major scare were hard, but worse were the cute white ones with pink stars…I don’t know why, but she did wear them a lot. The next drawer down held something special for me. The CDs from the Tibetan Freedom Concerts. Um…ouch. This is a searing pain from my gut to my throat, numbing my fingers and my toes. She saved these in a special place because that trip was special. We got to go to DC together for the first Tibetan Freedom Fest shows. We stayed in a hotel room and partied together, just the two of us… it was such a great time. I drove down the wrong way down a one way street and we survived! We took her Jeep… that is a great memory and she kept it in the bottom of her t-shirt drawer. Next I arrived at a t-shirt that took me by surprise because I have never seen it before, it was a Thundercats Tee! She LOVED the Thundercats! Thundercats HOOOOO! She would yell and run around the house with an imaginary sword. All those curls bouncing around and all that Hailey energy bounding through the house would shut everything else down. We loved watching the Thundercats with her because she loved it so much, she got so fired up that she got the whole house fired up… that is Hailey. Ha.
IS IS IS
I have a hard time with WAS… that WAS Hailey… she still IS to me
IS IS IS
she still IS somewhere… I just cant see it or hear it – I really wish I could, but I am not a part of that party.
There were more shirts… GA tees, Phish tees, Panic tees… she has more tees than me! dang! All of them are soft like she was. Her skin was so soft. When she left her body, her skin did not feel the same, I knew that she was not there… SHE made her outer shell soft, even when she was so rough – she was truly soft. I hope everyone can hear that, feel that, see that – she may have been crazy, rough and loud – but what she really wanted to show was that she was soft
That’s her true self, sweet and soft.

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About heatherswint

Hi! I'm Heather - Mom, Wife, Yogi, Music Lover, Clean Eater and Obsessed with Essential Oils.
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2 Responses to Longing

  1. Oh, Heather. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I know this ache. I lost a baby. I know the pain of losing someone close. It is indeed physical. There were days I thought my heart would burst right out of me. I pray the God of all comfort will comfort you now. He loves you more than anyone, and He knows very well the pain of losing someone. Love to you,Mary Anne

  2. Heather says:

    Thank you Mary Anne. I can not imagine losing a baby. I could not wrap my head around that… most days I am fine, but some days I need to let it out in printed words. I am glad that Hailey is with God. She needed his love.

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