So much – my most brutally honest post

I have so much going though my head right now its insane

If you have a problem with brutal honesty and cussing – you should stop reading now

What the fuck, a week+ ago I was told that my sister had days – a week or two at best to live. She has not gone completely septic, which is great but she has 4 tumors blocking her intestines. Ever been constipated? Yea, that sucked – this sucks 1million times worse. She has a fucking tube going from her nose to her stomach. It hurts. It hurts to put it in  – so mcuh so that the nurses are crying after they do it. Those are some tough chicks, but they cry when the put an NG tube in – cuz it sucks. It hurts. But its the only way to keep the poision out of her system. She tolerated a popsicle – she fucking tolerated a popsicle – great. This is really a big deal. You and I are walking around tolerating beer, burgers, cereal and God knows what else…. YEA Hailey tolerated a grape popsicle.

I am a bitter bitch tonight.

This sucks ass. She told me it was OK to go home and I did. I feel like I need to be there. I don’t feel right at all. I am supposed to go to Panic tomorrow and I will go on orders of my sister. I don’t want to.

She is 32 years old  – fuck this shit. Nobody deserves this. Its NOT from God. This is from us, the earth, some evil shit.

We picked out clothes for her funeral

Fuck me.

Colleen…. don’t get me started.  I love her so much. I can not imagine how much Hailey loves her – or James….

God help us.

Love & light

H

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About heatherswint

Hi! I'm Heather - Mom, Wife, Yogi, Music Lover, Clean Eater and Obsessed with Essential Oils.
This entry was posted in cancer, chemo, Hailey. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to So much – my most brutally honest post

  1. ANGELIKA WITTMER says:

    i love you & im here for you. Say what you need to say girl

  2. Kelly Therieau says:

    I have no words or answers to say to this..all I can say is that I love you deeply and that you better go tomorrow. You need it. Keep fighting Heather…..xo I’m always here.

  3. Raye Lynn Fuller says:

    I love you, Heather. There is nothing that I can say right now that is going to make anything better. Just know that we are here, routing for Hailey and for you, we are here if you need a shoulder or a hand. We are here if you need to breathe deeper than normal. Go with your gut, always trust your gut. You are a special woman and so is Hailey. I think that you are right about this being earthly, but when we get to heaven it will all be so miniscule in comparison to the greatness we will be in the presence of. I would like that think that my dad and my brother are up there thinking, “man, this was so worth it. All the pain, the suffering, the struggles… all nothing compared to the greatness we are in the presence of now.” Be still and feel for God. Allow His arms to wrap around you and comfort you. Curse all you need, scream all you need, be as loud as you need, be angry and mad if you need. But, know that where ever you turn be it up or around you, we are all here to help you. Sometimes, we feel helpless and dont know what to do, so please ask. We love you and Hailey and are in deep prayer for you both and the rest of the family.

  4. Elaine says:

    You just keep letting it out, Heather. Don’t keep these feelings locked up inside, they will just continue to eat you up and that’s never good. I’m here for ‘ya girl, just call if you want to cry, scream or whatever. In the meantime prayers will continue. Though I’ve questioned it myself, I still continue to believe that God won’t bring you to it unless He’s going to bring you through it.

    I love you! Xoxoxoxo

    ~E

  5. Jason says:

    Heather,
    You don’t know me, but I found your blog and subsequent website while trying to search for information on MPNST. I understand that is what you sister has been battling these many months.
    I’m so sorry for you and your family. It’s something I’m going through with my fiance. It’s gone, it’s back, chemo, surgery, scans, radiation…Cancer Sucks! For Hailey it’s the pain of the treatments, and the pain of the actual cancer. For you it’s the emotional roller coaster of hope, joy, emotional pain, and sorrow. With a dash of guilt for being cancer free and of taking any small joys out of life while the person you love is suffering. I’ve never been a big believer in prayer, or god for that matter. But it’s times like this that you take what you can get, and hope that it somehow magically helps. For what it’s worth Hailey, you, and your family are in the thoughts and prayers of a stranger who understands.
    Take solace in the arms of your family. It sounds like you really love your sister and she really loves you. Take joy in the gift of love you shared with each other and the time you had together. Always remember her as the strong person it sounds like she is and the small ways she helped shaped the course of your life. Enjoy the little things in life, knowing that is what she would want for you.

    • heatherswint says:

      Oh wow…we have not met ANYBODY with nerve sheath sarcoma. Finding anybody who has sarcoma is rare enough. I am SO happy you found us. How old is your fiance? I would love to talk more and I am sure my sis would love to talk to her as well.
      Have you gone to MD Anderson yet? if not…see if you can go.

    • heatherswint says:

      Hi Jason – I just wanted to check in on you and your fiance. My sister passed on May 28, so she is finally at peace. Please let me know how you are doing and if there is anything I can do to help.

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